12 Times I've Been Human Garbage

October 09, 2016

In today's society, we focus on being perfect too much. We build ourselves up through the veil of Instagram feeds and Facebook statuses of achievements. It's important, however, to remind ourselves of the times we were literal human trash. Being human trash - I'm sure many of you are familiar with the concept - can consist of many things. It can consist of not getting out of bed until 5 PM only to answer the Thai delivery guy at the door. It can consist of taking an illegal U-Turn in the middle of rush hour. Sometimes we can't help but be literal garbage. Sometimes, you have to be at your boyfriend's soccer game at 2 PM and you forgot your condoms and teeth whitening strips at home. So, you naturally decide to haphazardly bang a U-Turn and drive exactly 9 miles above the speed limit, weaving through traffic of course, to get home. Why did you need condoms and teeth whitening strips? Because you're literal garbage.

1. Today, I walked out the "in" door at Stop-N-Shop and confused an old man just looking for some overpriced groceries.
2. This week, I stole a girl's sheet music in class and sent her into FULL crisis mode
3. This weekend, I heavily drank three nights in a row, and didn't get out of bed until 1 on both Saturday and Sunday
4. On Friday, I skipped chorus half because I was too hungover, and half because I was too embarrassed to face the girl who I stole music from 
5. The fact that I can name 4 times in the past 4 days, off the top of my head, shows that I'm literal garbage
6. Whenever I'm bored from doing homework or something productive, I find myself looking at my own Facebook page. This happens at least three times a day
7. I always pull out halfway in the road when taking a left turn. My boyfriend calls this the "typical Masshole move"
8.  Speaking of a "masshole move", not to mention all the times I've shifted lanes without really checking if there was a car behind me.
9. My friend was being chased by a scary clown, she tripped and fell out of her shoes and I laughed before I even knew that she was okay. 
10. Even though I worked in retail for years, I still don't put back all of the things I move in stores.
11. I'm almost banned at a local liquor store for bringing an underage person in.
12. Speaking of being almost banned, I used my broken student ID card at the gym for six months, and made the workers type in my number by hand every time, because I was too lazy to get a new one. I finally got a new one after they said I wasn't going to be allowed back if I didn't get a new one. Icing on the cake? I actually ended up losing the card at a bar the night before I got a new one. 

See? Deep down, we're all just literal garbage.

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